It’s hard to “like” this when I feel aggrieved on your behalf. And this part, for me, summed up something I have felt and know to be painful and full of ugly feelings:
“I’d been living inside an entirely different version of our relationship all along.”
I know we all experience friendships differently, relationships too, but I do wonder at those people who so obviously have portrayed one thing then the reality — to them — is entirely different. It’s like a con. And I *fell* for it!
I think my ever-present “righteous indignation” gets fired up by exactly this sort of deception and hurt.
It IS a con, Kay! All my life I've chided myself for my shyness, my social ineptitude, my lack of tact. But now, coming to terms with who I am, I do prize one thing about myself: I am authentic, incurably so. Not capable of artifice, not capable of deception. Reminds me of the Billy Joel song about how HONESTY is the hardest thing to find. Doris
A long, long time ago, when I was in my teens, my father once said, 'beware of nice people'. His word choice wasn't exactly the best - of course you don't want rude people around you - but what he meant was the people whose charm and smile hide the fact that they're gone the very moment the first small cloud appears in their easy-going sky.
I feel like an idiot writing in every comment how much I love your writing, but I DO!!! 😄🥰🥰🥰
This is a beautiful piece Jayne, as always. It made me think of the expectations we have on other people or other people have on us, the assumptions we make about each other, and that it's always these expectations or assumptions that will break a relationship. Hindsight and self-knowledge makes us wise. 🙏🏼
This is beautiful, not the fact of being/ feeling dumped, of course, but the fact that M made you see a different part of yourself. It sucks to open yourself and feel abandonned but you'll always have Madrid, and the holiday... and if that was good, keep it in your life- treasure-chest, isn't it? Once upon I time, I remember I had a toast with friends, something like this:
"To the ones who hurt us, for them to be loved as they do."
Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comments. I definitely don’t have any regrets, I’m glad we were part of each other’s lives, despite it not being or turning to be what I thought. We still had a lot of fun - I’m a fan of fun!
I like the toast hahaha, perhaps it’s dark, but I suspect it’s also deserved.
I admire the honesty and what is now called something like open vulnerability in this piece of yours, Jayne. Really inspiring to see here, actually. The relationship you describe so deftly is a fascinating one to me too. So damn complex. (But we are aren't we. afterall?) He's a piece of work, for sure. Maybe the Ben Folds song does him some justice in parts? That kind of free intimacy is so damn rare, especially in platonic cases. You know all that of course. I don't know if I would've had your patience with him, despite the fatal charm you detailed. Again, I applaud you!
Thank you so much, Brett! These are lovely comments and I really appreciate them. Although a lot of what I write could be classed as personal essay, it rarely feels as personal as this piece did. I'm glad I wrote it though and explored this complex relationship a little, which hopefully other people can relate to.
I definitely am willing to give M the benefit of the doubt. Now, at least. Back then I was too hurt. But it is as you say, we are all complicated (how does anyone get along with anyone ever?! I often ask myself!) and it is rare a person deliberately sets out to hurt another, I think.
Your piece makes me think about writing about the best friend I had during my twenties. A brilliant, erratic and ultimately disappeared alcoholic in Australia. "How does anyone get along with anyone ever?" you asked. In this case, it was on and off and on and off several times. He once wrote a tight and dense book on the conflicts of philosophy and it was knocked back at a final hurdle by a publisher and that caused him to never write again. So sad. He was also terribly self-destructive.
I for one would love to read that. I’m sure it would speak to readers on lots of levels and especially to those of us who write. Those knock backs can be brutal. It’s such a shame it sent him into a spiral like that, though I can understand it. I’m sure he is still on your mind, popping up every now and then to blindside you. Just don’t listen to any Ben Folds! 😂
Thanks for your encouragement, Jayne. I'll think about it, let it marinate. I'm not sure I can face it really. You're a bit braver than me it seems. I generally try to avoid pain these days!
Breakups with a dear friend can often be tougher than the romantic kind. It's almost like a more intense version of unrequited love.
For all you/we know, maybe you meant more to him than you can imagine, and that's his way of dealing with it? I'm speculating, but there might be truth in that. I fear I've let friends down, but I can't say I have a best friend in this same way as you. But I have certainly had my fair share of friendships that seem(ed) lopsided, and here's where the tragedy lies for me: I know for certain there is a person who really wants to be close(r) friends with me, but we had a falling out and the truth is, she drove me up the wall and I have no desire to have a friendship with her - it's a very long (boring) story, but...
On the other side, as anti-social as I am, there are 1 or 2 people in my life that I would love to be close(r) to, where the potential for great friendship is there, but for whatever reason, they don't reciprocate. Actually, one of them is a case where it's a woman who's married, who I suspect thinks I have strong(er) feelings towards, but I can assure you I don't. But that might also be an excuse?
This is very much an in-person/glasses of wine conversation which I'm bookmarking for our inevitable meetup one of these days in Madrid! I have so many thoughts on this.
I absolutely want to hear all these stories. Long or not they won't be boring. Plus I find the intricacies of human relationships fascinating, as do most writers, I'm sure. They are still fascinating even when they hurt! On hurt, thank you for the healing wishes, all this happened a fair while ago now, it really was only because I heard that Ben Folds song that I decided to write about it.
I'm especially intrigued by the married person and her suspicion you are after more than friendship. I only have this one male/female friendship to base it on, but it seems to be something that plagues male/female (hetero) friendships. It feels very reductive. Then on the otherhand, a slight flirtatiousness is quite fun and something I feel I can't indulge in with female friends, so what is that about?! Sorry, I am just typing out loud.
Honestly, I would really love to have this conversation live with you. As in, in Madrid, with wine, and olives littering the table, not Live as in on Substack. That would be hellish! It is definitely a conversation of the private, intimate kind. Which is to say: the best kind of conversation!
Let's try to make it happen! So we can skip the typing out loud part of it and get straight into all the fun juicy details. I know this is terribly tacky, but I had a dream last night about a different married female friend and that's an interesting story when you start talking about a "slight flirtatiousness" and there are sooooo many questions I have about things like this.
This is painful to read and to imagine you, a beloved friend, suffering this heartache. It's especially difficult because you are so genuine, kind, honest, and feelingful/heartful. That he, or anyone, could seemingly take that lightly or not understand the importance of investing the same, is very disappointing.
On a slightly relevant note, my mother always reminded me that the friendships with girls were to the ones that were going to last and that I should never break a commitment with a female friend for a boy. Was she ever right. Just as she was in just about everything.
Your mum was definitely right! I will remember her advice.
The way you put it - not investing the same in the friendship - is what hurt the most I think. That realisation that I was out there on my own. I’ve definitely never had that with any female friends.
But, writing all of this has made me realise, I don’t regret the friendship either. And you live, you learn. Life is full of lessons, and I’m glad about that.
Your post is very interesting. I have known some charming people like that – including my own (late) sister, Edie. She literally charmed everyone she met. But I think she might have been different from your M. When she loved you, you were the Golden Child – everything you did was wonderful, creative, amazing. But then she could flip, if you crossed her or slighted her in any way: she would counterattack in the meanest possible way.
But it is amazing how the most plastic people can seem so authentic – like your M. The fact is, they must have learned early on how to exert power over others without showing it (unlike with the naked, ugly power of our current schmuck-in-chief)…but smoothly, invisibly. They get you hanging on their every word with graceful, slick flattery. Everyone is susceptible to compliments – EVERYONE. And like you said, we can see it for what it is and still fall for it. Strange!
I'm sure you still miss the "mental intimacy" that you had with M. I don't believe I have ever had a relationship that intense – romantic or platonic. But I have had the experience of thinking that I'm friends with someone, when I really am not. (This is an in-law). I found out after many years that the other person was pretending, and that's when I realized that I was pretending in response. The blinders are off, and that's how it's going to stay. Doris
Strange indeed isn’t it?! Thank you for these thoughtful comments, it sounds like you’ve definitely come in contact with a few of these characters over the years. It makes me wonder, if I were to come in contact with another M, whether I would be more aware or not. It’s probably impossible to say. I don’t regret our friendship though. (I only just realised that as I was writing to you!) It sounds like you’ve had more tricky situations to deal with that I’m sure you might rather have avoided…
God, no. Love and friendship, the relationship you described, a prism for the discussion (you had lots going on there, in a good way). Think that title’s been taken though…
Another nicely written piece, my friend. I always look forward to what your internal muse proffers. And this one hit a nerve. As, it turns out, do many of your thoughts. Thank you.
It’s hard to “like” this when I feel aggrieved on your behalf. And this part, for me, summed up something I have felt and know to be painful and full of ugly feelings:
“I’d been living inside an entirely different version of our relationship all along.”
I know we all experience friendships differently, relationships too, but I do wonder at those people who so obviously have portrayed one thing then the reality — to them — is entirely different. It’s like a con. And I *fell* for it!
I think my ever-present “righteous indignation” gets fired up by exactly this sort of deception and hurt.
I hope he’s got incurable crabs.
I hope he’s got incurable crabs 😆😆😆😆😆
At the time I really felt gaslighted. But I have to say I was equally furious at myself. I knew better, but yet I didn’t!
Yes, but that is manipulation. It’s like an abusive relationship. You get angry at yourself. Fuck him! 😘
Very true. And all points, including the last!
It IS a con, Kay! All my life I've chided myself for my shyness, my social ineptitude, my lack of tact. But now, coming to terms with who I am, I do prize one thing about myself: I am authentic, incurably so. Not capable of artifice, not capable of deception. Reminds me of the Billy Joel song about how HONESTY is the hardest thing to find. Doris
That is such an amazing self-realisation— I used to be embarrassed by my openness with people, but I am honest. I’m me.
A long, long time ago, when I was in my teens, my father once said, 'beware of nice people'. His word choice wasn't exactly the best - of course you don't want rude people around you - but what he meant was the people whose charm and smile hide the fact that they're gone the very moment the first small cloud appears in their easy-going sky.
I feel like an idiot writing in every comment how much I love your writing, but I DO!!! 😄🥰🥰🥰
Wow, I actually love that from your dad. Having gone through this experience, I think he is right!
Please don’t feel like an idiot, I never tire of hearing that someone (especially someone whose own writing I admire) loves my work!
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Then you already know what’s coming in my future comments 🤭❤️❤️
Hehehe - bring it on! 😂😍
This is a beautiful piece Jayne, as always. It made me think of the expectations we have on other people or other people have on us, the assumptions we make about each other, and that it's always these expectations or assumptions that will break a relationship. Hindsight and self-knowledge makes us wise. 🙏🏼
You are absolutely right. And about hindsight too - we rarely have these insights when we most need them.
Thank you so much for reading, I'm so glad you enjoyed it ❤️
This is beautiful, not the fact of being/ feeling dumped, of course, but the fact that M made you see a different part of yourself. It sucks to open yourself and feel abandonned but you'll always have Madrid, and the holiday... and if that was good, keep it in your life- treasure-chest, isn't it? Once upon I time, I remember I had a toast with friends, something like this:
"To the ones who hurt us, for them to be loved as they do."
It's a bit dark but I stand by it :)
Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comments. I definitely don’t have any regrets, I’m glad we were part of each other’s lives, despite it not being or turning to be what I thought. We still had a lot of fun - I’m a fan of fun!
I like the toast hahaha, perhaps it’s dark, but I suspect it’s also deserved.
Super deserved!!!
Friendship dynamics are often 10x more complicated than (romantic) relationship dynamics - at least it's always been that way for me.
I definitely agree!
I admire the honesty and what is now called something like open vulnerability in this piece of yours, Jayne. Really inspiring to see here, actually. The relationship you describe so deftly is a fascinating one to me too. So damn complex. (But we are aren't we. afterall?) He's a piece of work, for sure. Maybe the Ben Folds song does him some justice in parts? That kind of free intimacy is so damn rare, especially in platonic cases. You know all that of course. I don't know if I would've had your patience with him, despite the fatal charm you detailed. Again, I applaud you!
Thank you so much, Brett! These are lovely comments and I really appreciate them. Although a lot of what I write could be classed as personal essay, it rarely feels as personal as this piece did. I'm glad I wrote it though and explored this complex relationship a little, which hopefully other people can relate to.
I definitely am willing to give M the benefit of the doubt. Now, at least. Back then I was too hurt. But it is as you say, we are all complicated (how does anyone get along with anyone ever?! I often ask myself!) and it is rare a person deliberately sets out to hurt another, I think.
Your piece makes me think about writing about the best friend I had during my twenties. A brilliant, erratic and ultimately disappeared alcoholic in Australia. "How does anyone get along with anyone ever?" you asked. In this case, it was on and off and on and off several times. He once wrote a tight and dense book on the conflicts of philosophy and it was knocked back at a final hurdle by a publisher and that caused him to never write again. So sad. He was also terribly self-destructive.
I for one would love to read that. I’m sure it would speak to readers on lots of levels and especially to those of us who write. Those knock backs can be brutal. It’s such a shame it sent him into a spiral like that, though I can understand it. I’m sure he is still on your mind, popping up every now and then to blindside you. Just don’t listen to any Ben Folds! 😂
Thanks for your encouragement, Jayne. I'll think about it, let it marinate. I'm not sure I can face it really. You're a bit braver than me it seems. I generally try to avoid pain these days!
I just had a Substack deadline 😅 I'm all for the pleasure principle! (I would still like to read it though.)
Breakups with a dear friend can often be tougher than the romantic kind. It's almost like a more intense version of unrequited love.
For all you/we know, maybe you meant more to him than you can imagine, and that's his way of dealing with it? I'm speculating, but there might be truth in that. I fear I've let friends down, but I can't say I have a best friend in this same way as you. But I have certainly had my fair share of friendships that seem(ed) lopsided, and here's where the tragedy lies for me: I know for certain there is a person who really wants to be close(r) friends with me, but we had a falling out and the truth is, she drove me up the wall and I have no desire to have a friendship with her - it's a very long (boring) story, but...
On the other side, as anti-social as I am, there are 1 or 2 people in my life that I would love to be close(r) to, where the potential for great friendship is there, but for whatever reason, they don't reciprocate. Actually, one of them is a case where it's a woman who's married, who I suspect thinks I have strong(er) feelings towards, but I can assure you I don't. But that might also be an excuse?
This is very much an in-person/glasses of wine conversation which I'm bookmarking for our inevitable meetup one of these days in Madrid! I have so many thoughts on this.
Sorry for the pain you're dealing with 🫂🥹
I absolutely want to hear all these stories. Long or not they won't be boring. Plus I find the intricacies of human relationships fascinating, as do most writers, I'm sure. They are still fascinating even when they hurt! On hurt, thank you for the healing wishes, all this happened a fair while ago now, it really was only because I heard that Ben Folds song that I decided to write about it.
I'm especially intrigued by the married person and her suspicion you are after more than friendship. I only have this one male/female friendship to base it on, but it seems to be something that plagues male/female (hetero) friendships. It feels very reductive. Then on the otherhand, a slight flirtatiousness is quite fun and something I feel I can't indulge in with female friends, so what is that about?! Sorry, I am just typing out loud.
Honestly, I would really love to have this conversation live with you. As in, in Madrid, with wine, and olives littering the table, not Live as in on Substack. That would be hellish! It is definitely a conversation of the private, intimate kind. Which is to say: the best kind of conversation!
Hope all is well in the US of A!
Let's try to make it happen! So we can skip the typing out loud part of it and get straight into all the fun juicy details. I know this is terribly tacky, but I had a dream last night about a different married female friend and that's an interesting story when you start talking about a "slight flirtatiousness" and there are sooooo many questions I have about things like this.
This is going to be the best conversation ever! I also have many questions, starting with that dream 😅 Get checking flights!
Jayne, I sent a question about M.R. submissions direct to your email. Thanks. Doris
This is painful to read and to imagine you, a beloved friend, suffering this heartache. It's especially difficult because you are so genuine, kind, honest, and feelingful/heartful. That he, or anyone, could seemingly take that lightly or not understand the importance of investing the same, is very disappointing.
On a slightly relevant note, my mother always reminded me that the friendships with girls were to the ones that were going to last and that I should never break a commitment with a female friend for a boy. Was she ever right. Just as she was in just about everything.
Here's to moving on from that one!
Your mum was definitely right! I will remember her advice.
The way you put it - not investing the same in the friendship - is what hurt the most I think. That realisation that I was out there on my own. I’ve definitely never had that with any female friends.
But, writing all of this has made me realise, I don’t regret the friendship either. And you live, you learn. Life is full of lessons, and I’m glad about that.
My mother was right about most things. Fortunately, I knew that while I was growing up.
I'm glad you don't regret the friendship. It sounds like it forced some serious and helpful thinking.
Jayne,
Your post is very interesting. I have known some charming people like that – including my own (late) sister, Edie. She literally charmed everyone she met. But I think she might have been different from your M. When she loved you, you were the Golden Child – everything you did was wonderful, creative, amazing. But then she could flip, if you crossed her or slighted her in any way: she would counterattack in the meanest possible way.
But it is amazing how the most plastic people can seem so authentic – like your M. The fact is, they must have learned early on how to exert power over others without showing it (unlike with the naked, ugly power of our current schmuck-in-chief)…but smoothly, invisibly. They get you hanging on their every word with graceful, slick flattery. Everyone is susceptible to compliments – EVERYONE. And like you said, we can see it for what it is and still fall for it. Strange!
I'm sure you still miss the "mental intimacy" that you had with M. I don't believe I have ever had a relationship that intense – romantic or platonic. But I have had the experience of thinking that I'm friends with someone, when I really am not. (This is an in-law). I found out after many years that the other person was pretending, and that's when I realized that I was pretending in response. The blinders are off, and that's how it's going to stay. Doris
Strange indeed isn’t it?! Thank you for these thoughtful comments, it sounds like you’ve definitely come in contact with a few of these characters over the years. It makes me wonder, if I were to come in contact with another M, whether I would be more aware or not. It’s probably impossible to say. I don’t regret our friendship though. (I only just realised that as I was writing to you!) It sounds like you’ve had more tricky situations to deal with that I’m sure you might rather have avoided…
So this is your novel...
Interesting! Does this mean there should be a whole novel about boy friends?
God, no. Love and friendship, the relationship you described, a prism for the discussion (you had lots going on there, in a good way). Think that title’s been taken though…
Got it - I’ll add it to my writing ideas list!
So lovely, Jayne. My heart was breaking along with yours as I read.
You are so brave to share such intimate emotions!
Thank you so much, Anita ❤️
This one definitely felt particularly personal and it took quite a lot of effort to write, but I'm glad I did. Writing as therapy 😅
Did he inspire one of the stories in your book? I think I remember a story where you go on holiday with a male friend (who is not a "boyfriend").
Yes! Well-spotted. I wondered if anyone would notice. 10 points for you!
Hola , Buen Relato. Creo Sinceramente Que Es Más Difícil Hoy En Día Consevar Una Buena Amistad , Que Tener Una Relación Duradera. Un Saludo.
Desafortunadamente, creo que tienes razón. Gracias por leer!
Another nicely written piece, my friend. I always look forward to what your internal muse proffers. And this one hit a nerve. As, it turns out, do many of your thoughts. Thank you.
Thank you mi Susanne bella! And thank you for being such an amazing support to me and my writing (and even my redheadedness).